It’s been a long time since I posted. Frankly I haven’t felt like it. I’ve been battling depression for some time now and it’s been hard to do much at all.  This past Saturday I had my follow-up PET scan. This is the scan that is going to tell me whether or not I still have cancer.  If I still have it, then I’ll need to make the decision of if I am going to go through whatever treatment they offer me.  I am at the max radiation so that is no longer an option.

So anyway, that is how I felt up until 8:30 tonight when I got the news:

PET looks good, no residual cancer or metastatic disease seen.

WOW! Can you believe that!? The cancer did not spread and is completely gone! That is the best possible news I could have ever hoped for and I can only thank God for his mercy and goodness.

God is great! The power of prayer is amazing!

I want to thank all of you who have stood firm and kept me in your prayers.  I don’t know what I would have done without your loving support.  I am truly blessed and I love you all.

Although I am still having difficulty with my mouth (pain, dry mouth from no saliva, etc.), I will be able to deal with it much better each day knowing that I am really on the road to recovery.  Not knowing had nearly killed my spirit and I feel shame for this because I should have fully trusted God all the way.  I was scared, to put it bluntly, not knowing what the near future would hold for me.

Please continue to pray for my mouth to heal. Specifically, pray that my saliva will return soon.

I’m doing my happy dance right now (imagine that!).

Today’s verse (from my favorite book):

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. – James 1:12

P.S.

I’m not sure I stood the test, but I hope in God’s eyes I did.

I was scheduled to have my feeding tube removed this coming Monday, but there was a cancellation and they were able to get me in on Thursday, the 25th.  I was extremely nervous because I knew I was going to need an IV and my veins are so messed up that it is hard to find a good one to use.  Luckily the nurse was good and was able to find a good vein the first time. Although I did have to tell her to not even think about trying certain parts of my arms because they are still so painful from previous IVs.

They wheeled me in to the operating room and Dr. Chawla was there to greet me. He is such a good doctor and very comforting. He knew I was nervous so tried his best to delay the procedure until I could calm down.  But, before I knew it, they were shoving tubes down my throat; while I was awake no less!  I don’t remember them doing that when they put the tube in.  I was gagging on those tubes (maybe it was just one big one) and could barely breathe.  I thought I was going to throw up.

I must have fallen asleep soon after that because the next thing I remember was waking up with Lynnanne and Stevie sitting by my side.  The tube was gone!  Now I just have this hole in my stomach that needs to heal up.  It’s been a couple of days since and my throat is still sore from the procedure. This has once again limited what I can eat back to mainly liquids or soggy cereal.

I took a short drive this morning just to get out.  Mainly I drove through the neighborhoods of the Pocket area and south Florin.  I don’t know why I wanted to drive around there; maybe because I never see that area of town.  While driving, I had thoughts about sin: past, present and future.  And with these thoughts I pondered the sins I’ve committed in my life. Looking at other drivers and people walking the streets, I realized that it’s not just me who has sinned, it’s everyone.  I could not see a single person that I thought might be without sin.  We are all sinners, and that saddened me.

I know that God has forgiven me my sins.  I have repented and His word says that because of my repentance, and especially the blood of His son, Jesus, I am forgiven.  Then why do I continue to feel so bad about the sins I’ve committed in my life?  They are scars that don’t ever seem to heal.  Self forgiveness is much harder than knowing you are forgiven by the all mighty Father in heaven.  This is a continual battle. I know I am forgiven. I must also forgive myself.

As I drove through the neighborhoods, I thought of the command, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Can you imagine if everyone in the world obeyed that command? What kind of world would it be?  I’ll tell you; it would be a world without fear, without violence, even without money. What need would there be for money if there was that kind of love in the world. But, not everyone obeys this command and therefore we have the world as we have it. I am guilty too.

I don’t mean to be a downer in this blog post, but just wanted to express some of my thoughts.  Joy and peace to you, always.

Today’s verse:

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. – Galatians 5:14-15 NIV

Hi, I haven’t written in some time now. Been going through another one of those periods of depression and haven’t felt like doing much of anything lately. So what’s been happening with me?  I’ve had a few doctor appointments since early August.

The first was with Dr. Chou, the radiation oncologist. She examined my mouth and said it was healing well.  I told her I was still experiencing a lot of pain in the back of my throat and right ear but she said it was probably scar tissue and should subside at some point.  During the examination she found two lumps on the left side of my neck and referred me to my surgeon to have them checked out further.

Waiting for the appointment with my surgeon was a bit nerve-racking because he is the one who originally told me I had cancer, and now I am waiting for him to check out more lumps.

Now on to the appointment with Dr. Chin; the surgeon who butchered my mouth.  I complained a bit to him that he should have taken out my left tonsil because my uvula has moved all the way to the right side of my mouth and the left tonsil has stretched out to cover my throat.  He put me in my place and said I was lucky that he even left me a uvula at all.  Most doctors would have taken out much more of the mouth than he did. Yikes! That freaked me out. He also said that the skin that I am seeing stretched across my throat is not my tonsil. My tonsil has been completely destroyed by the radiation treatment and is gone.  He examined the lumps in my neck, which by the time the appointment came around were much smaller than they had been.  This was a good sign that they were just swollen lymph nodes. They were barely noticeable so he said I should not be concerned with them.  That was a relief.

The third and penultimate appointment for the month was with the (chemo) oncologist.  This was just a routine follow-up appointment to see how I am doing.  My red blood count had still not come up by this appointment.  Luckily it is not low enough to require a blood transfusion.  He said it should come up on its own but will just take time.  The bummer is that it makes me so tired all the time.  If have no energy to do much of anything.  I also have been having severe leg pain. He told me to keep as active as I can by walking at least 30 minutes each day.  This should help relieve the pain.

I have two big appointments coming next. The first is on August 29th and is when I get my feeding tube out. Yes that’s right, I get my feeding tube out this month.  This will be a procedure where I will be completely sedated when they take it out.  Normally they just pull the tube out as an in-office procedure, without sedation. The doctor said that since I had so much pain with it going in, he did not want to just pull it out. Instead he will go in through my mouth, cut the tube, pull the outer part out normally and the inner part (in the stomach) out through my mouth.  This procedure is called an upper endoscopy.  I guess I prefer to do it this way so I don’t have to be awake for it.

The second big appointment is September 17th. This is when I get my PET scan; the scan that will tell me that they got all of the cancer and I have beat this dang thing, at least for now.  The waiting for the results of this scan is going to be the hardest part. Not knowing and trying not to worry. Putting my faith and trust in the Lord, as hard as that can be, that is my only hope. My Lord is my healer. Please pray there will be no signs of cancer in my body.

Today’s verse:

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever—do not abandon the works of your hands. – Psalm 138:8 NIV

Get Well Cards From Impact Kids

Two Saturdays ago I receive a large envelope in the mail addressed from my church.  When I saw it I had no idea what it could contain but was delighted when I opened it to find it packed with about 20 get well cards, mostly handmade, from the third and fourth grade kids at my church.  Wow! I was so touched by what they wrote and the drawings on their cards; it really cheered me up and made me feel so blessed. It made me feel very special that these kids had been praying for me and took the time to make these cards.  I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.  You are God’s children and I know he is very proud of you for caring for someone you don’t even really know. Thank you!

I started back to work on August 1.  I have my good days and my bad days because of being so tired.  It doesn’t help that I’m not sleeping well at night because of the intense dry mouth that I have.  Every hour or so I wake up to my mouth feeling like the Sahara Desert; there’s not one drop of saliva to be found and I have to remoisten it to get rid of that very uncomfortable feeling.

My legs have been hurting a lot lately also. This might be because of the lack of proper exercise. Although I try to walk daily, I’m not doing anything strenuous because I do not want to burn a lot of calories.  I’m trying to eat at least 2000 calories a day by mouth so I can get off the feeding tube and if I burn those calories, that wouldn’t be good.

The tiredness and leg pain might be due to my red blood count (RBC) still being in the below normal range. I had my blood tested today and the good news is that my WBC is well into the normal range now. However, my RBC has only come up slightly since my last test back in July.  A week from tomorrow I see the oncologist to discuss my blood results, among other things, so I will know more then.

Good news is that I have been able to hit my daily 2000 calorie target for the last three days and haven’t used the feeding tube for those three days either.  This hasn’t been easy since nearly all the food is in liquid form.  I just have to make sure that I’m getting proper nutrition with what I’m eating to fill the calorie needs.  If I can keep this up I will have that feeding tube out soon!

More good news, I was feeling well enough to go to church this past weekend. Praise God!

I found out that my sister Diane is in the hospital. Please pray for her full recovery and that she may come to know Jesus.  I want to tell her the Good News, so “pray also for me, that I whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel.” Ephesians 6:19

Oh, I almost forgot that I read a really good book that I want to recommend to you. It’s called Heaven is for Real, by Todd Burpo and is a story about the struggles his family went through with their four year old because of his serious health problems. When their four year old was in surgery, he had a heavenly experience that will make you think twice about not believing in heaven. Whether you’re a believer or not, give this book a read; you won’t be disappointed. Don’t worry, it’s short and an easy read.

For today’s verse, I am going to steal the memory verse from this week’s sermon because it has had significant meaning lately:

“For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” – 1 Corinthians 1:18

On Sunday, Alan Hardwick (a very good friend and my Bible study leader) came by and took me for a drive so I could get out of the house. Since I’m not supposed to be driving right now (meds) and could not get out on my own, he thought it would be nice to drive for me.  We didn’t really have any destination in mind; both of us like to just hop in the car and drive, so we headed up highway 80 East toward Auburn.  We ended up going through Truckee, and then cutting across on highway 20 to Lake Tahoe, and then home on 50.

Charles and Alan - Road Trip

The scenery was great and so was the conversation.  We talked about all kinds of things; important things to trivial things, it didn’t really matter.  What mattered was that we were out doing something we both liked to do and were enjoying each other’s company.  I had a great time and want to give a big thank you to Alan for taking time out of his busy schedule to get me out of the house. (Picture: Alan took a picture of me, then I took one of him. I wanted a picture of us together so I photo-shopped Alan into the one of me.)

There hasn’t been much else going on with me.  I have been working on eating by mouth more and getting my calories above 2500 each day.  It is so hard to find high calorie things that I can eat. I can’t eat burgers or heavy pasta foods yet; everything that I do eat needs to have high moisture content. I still don’t have the saliva needed to break down the food in my mouth.  There are only so many Boosts I can handle in a day without wanting to barf.  The good news is that it is getting easier to eat every day and I can taste the flavor in some of the things I’m eating (not many).  For some reason I still have pain in my right ear when I eat so I’ll need to let the doctor know about that on my next visit.

There’s no more sign of the infection in my arm so the doctor told me to stop taking the antibiotic. I took it for twelve days and he was concerned about the side-effects I was having.  One possible side-effect is the tightness and pain I’m having in my arms and legs.  It feels like the muscles or tendons are going to tear if I move too much in one direction or the other.  Maybe this is just a sign of lack of normal use because I haven’t been using them so much lately.  I do walk everyday in the mornings though, so my legs should not be feeling this way.  Hopefully this will get better the further I get from having taken the antibiotic.

If all goes as planned, by August 1 I will be off of all pain meds. Yay!  This means I can start back to work. I’ll be working two to four hours each day at first to see how it goes.  I’m very weak and still have a tendency to fall asleep. The fall asleep problem hasn’t been as bad lately so I’m hoping that means my red blood count is improving.

That’s about it for now. Thanks for reading this and checking on my progress!

Today’s verse:

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:13 NIV

My blood test on Monday showed that my WBC is finally on its way up. This was great news for me that really gave my spirits a lift; something that I’ve needed for a long time.  I had a feeling that things were changing because I have been feeling better inside; better than I have felt in a long time.  The overall WBC is 2.7 and the goal is to get that number to 3.5 (minimum).  The number that they look at is the neutrophils count.  This has to be above 1000 and mine was 1900.  When I was in the hospital it was around 600 to 700.  Last week it was 1400 so it’s coming up.

I am still anemic and the red blood count has dropped a bit further.  The anemia makes me very tired all of the time.  I thought that it was the medications that were making me fall asleep so often, but it is more likely due to the anemia.  I asked the doctor about this and he said that I should start to see this improve within the next two weeks or so.  My bone marrow hasn’t been regenerating as they had hoped but the last two blood tests indicate that this may have changed also.  The monos percentage indicates that the bone marrow is now being regenerated.  This is good news too.

I don’t have another blood test scheduled for two weeks so I have to wait until then to find out more of what is happening inside.  My next appointment with the oncologist is in a month.

My appetite isn’t that great.  You would think that I would be starving because I haven’t eaten anything other than instant breakfast for so long.  The problem is that my stomach has shrunk so much and the taste in my mouth is horrible, so food does not look or sound appealing.  I’ve been watching the Food Channel to try to get my appetite back.  Over the past few days I have tried eating things like yogurt and pudding.  Not having the saliva that you need for drier foods makes it difficult to eat anything that isn’t already totally moist. (Dang it, I fell asleep again while writing this. But now I’m back.)

This morning I ate some cereal. Although it was only 9 grams of cereal and 120 ml of milk, it was a good start.  After that, I made myself a strawberry yogurt smoothie with ice cream and ate the whole thing (even though the taste was disgusting). That was about 410 calories itself.  I’ve been trying to get my calorie intake up so I will gain weight.  I’ve must be doing a good job because I gained three pounds since my last doctor appointment.

I’ve been worried that I will not be able to eat. But little by little I will get back to eating and feeling normal.  I really want off of this feeding tube.  I found out that when they remove the feeding tube, they do it as an outpatient procedure with no sedation.  They snip the stitches and pull out the tube.  They don’t even stitch you up again.  Apparently the hole in the stomach closes up almost instantly. The hole on the outside closes slowly on its own.  I find this hard to believe and a little scary.  Nothing happens normally with me; hopefully there won’t be any complications when they do this.

Today’s verse:

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? – Matthew 6:27 NIV

As you can see, I am now considering these blog posts as notes about my recovery rather than focusing on how long I’ve been going through this trial in my life. Thanks to all who sent me their ideas about how I should title my posts.

This was a full week with doctor appointments and surprise visits. In my last post I talked about Tuesday’s visit with the oncologist and the infection in my arm. Wednesday I saw the radiologist for a checkup of my mouth.  The hole in my palate is a little larger than it was previously but is clean and in good condition (meaning there still is a chance for healing). She is predicting that it will close up completely in about a month. I’m not so optimistic about that because it closes and reopens a lot. Whenever I vomit it reopens, and lately I’ve been vomiting often because of the bad taste in my mouth combined with the antibiotics that cause nausea.

Since my pain has been much less, I wanted to get off of the opiates that I am on. She said that I must do this gradually so that I do not have a seizure and/or go through withdrawals. So, in about three weeks I will be able to be completely off the pain meds.  Hopefully this will work and I won’t have pain that requires the meds. Unfortunately, the pain was too intense yesterday when I tried to eat some yogurt and drink my instant breakfast.  And that’s with the pain meds.  Maybe I’m pushing to fast to try to eat. I just don’t know, but the only way to find out is to try.

Bible Study Group

On Tuesday my friends at Bible study stopped by for a surprise visit.  They made me a sign and a card, and prayed for me. That they would all get together and do this really touched my heart and all I could do is stand there and cry.  You guys are the best and I love you all!

RJ - Star Wars

On Saturday my friend Jim stopped by and brought me one of his running magazines that had inspirational stories about runners who have survived cancer.  But what really made my day was that his son, RJ, painted me a picture of a Star Wars scene and made me a card too. He attached the card to a Jurassic Park comic book.  What a nice young man! (He’s seven).  Thank you Jim and RJ for being so thoughtful and brightening my day!

The infection in my arm is getting better every day.  The picture (below) shows the areas (circled) where the redness was most prominent. Now you can barely see the redness and the stiffness in the wrist is almost gone too.  I still have a lump in the arm where the first circled spot is.  The other lumps have decreased so hopefully this one will as well.  It still hurts a bit to straighten the arm, but I assume this is because there is still some infection there.

Infection on Arm

My vision is getting better. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this on the blog before, but since I’ve been on all of these medications, my vision has been very poor, especially up close.  I haven’t been able to read much because of the blurriness.  Now I can read and the only problem is concentration and falling asleep.  Since I’m still on the pain meds I get drowsy very easily.  To compound the problem, the antibiotics increase the drowsiness and dizziness.  But, at least I can read for awhile before I nod off.

Today’s verse: (a verse that makes me feel good)

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. (Ephesians 2:4-5 NIV)

While in the hospital is was given antibiotics and was to continue those same antibiotics for a week at home. One of the rare side effects of the drugs is tendinitis. Turns out I’m getting tendinitis in my left wrist and arm. So bad the tendon is bulging out in three places on my arm. Lynnanne called the doctor and he wants me to stop the antibiotics until he sees me. Luckily I have an appointment with him today. What concerns me even more than the tendinitis is that I might not be able to finish to course of antibiotics to kill then infection that caused me to go to the hospital in the first place. I don’t want that infection to come back and set me back in my recovery again.

Monday I had blood work done and as far as I can tell, my WBC has come up a little since being released from the hospital. Not much of an increase, but any increase is good news to me. I’ll post the actual WBC when I get the official word from the doctor. (1400)

Back from the oncologist now. My WBC has come up little but is not increasing at the rate he would like to see. His suspicion is that the effects of the radiation are suppressing my bone marrow, which is causing my WBC to remain low. The good news is that the monos are increasing, which would indicate that the bone marrow is starting to recover. My WBC won’t improve significantly until the bone marrow recovers. Next Tuesday I have another follow up appointment so I’ll have to wait until then before I know more.

This could be why my mouth healing is not progressing as anticipated. The radiation effects are lingering longer than expected. As long as I have not developed some other bone marrow problem, things will improve.

Update: I saw another doctor regarding the tendinitis and she does not think it is tendinitis. Now I’m a bit nervous because she said it could be an infection in my arm. Man, what next for me? She’s doing some research and then will talk with my ontologist. I’m waiting.

Update: Saw a dermatologist and the diagnosis is that I have an infection in my arm. I picked up some lemons that had fallen into my backyard and apparently they had some sort of bacteria on them that got into my body. Can you believe that!? Because of my low WBC I have to be super careful about touching anything outside. This includes watering the plants, which I like to do in the morning. No more picking up lemons either. Now I have to take a different antibiotic for this infection. This one is hard on the liver so that has me a bit worried since my body is very vulnerable right now.

Please pray that this current problem will be resolved quickly and without complications. Pray that God will supernaturally heal me and put me on the road to complete recovery. Pray also that I will feel God’s presence through this and that He will comfort met and give me peace in my heart and mind.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I could use some more daily encouragement if you have the time. Please message me on Facebook or twitter (@cgatesmobile). I would love to hear from you. If you are not my Facebook friend send me a friend request. :)

I am thinking also that I want to stop numbering my cancer blog posts with the day number because it is depressing seeing how long it’s been. Any suggestions or should I just title them with how I’m feeling (or something like that)?

Today’s verse: (His healing is possible)
Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. (Matthew 4:23 NIV)

Then, for some reason, the doctor came in and said he decided to let me go home. I just had to make sure I continue the antibiotics and limit my exposure to people until my WBC increased. I was so excited to be released!

So now I’m home, where I belong. I’m still very weak and shaky, but I’m working on getting my calorie intake up so I can get my strength back (and maybe some weight too). Being at home really helps with the mental attitude. Seeing my wife and kids everyday, well there’s nothing better.

I still take all nutrition in through the feeding tube. Swallowing is too difficult and my saliva is still like a thick gluey acid substance. Not sure how long it will be until I can actually eat something. This is what I think about the most right now; wondering how long it’s going to take until I can eat and really start getting my strength back. I’ve backed off on the pain meds a bit so I can see how my mouth is doing. There’s still blistering on my tongue so backing off too much isn’t a good idea right now. I don’t want to return to the intense pain I was having before.

When I start to worry about things I need to remember to trust in the Lord. It’s not always easy, but His is the ultimate plan. So, for today’s verse, I stole from last Sunday’s sermon, but it’s fitting.

Today’s verse:
Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

I was admitted to the hospital on Saturday because of complications with my intestines and a dropping hemoglobin count. Turns out that I needed a blood transfusion and that I have (possibly) diverticulosis.

They are keeping me until tomorrow and only letting me have IV fluids. This means that I will have had nothing to “eat” since Saturday. I can’t see how that could be good for me but they say they want to give my stomach a rest from everything that I’ve been eating so the intestines can heal (at least that is my understanding). They don’t want me to develop an abscess in my intestine.

It has been one thing after another in fighting this. Just when I think I’m through with one thing, something else comes up. But I’m still in the battle. I don’t claim to know God’s plan for me, but I do know He didn’t make me a quitter. I will deal with whatever comes next.

Keep praying for me. Your prayers give me strength.

Today’s verse:
With God we will gain the victory, and he will trample down our enemies. (Psalm 108:13 NIV)