April 19, 2011
I haven’t felt much like writing lately. Since my sleep has been so broken up, it’s hard to concentrate. Last night wasn’t any different; I woke up choking on my own blood again. What the heck is going on in my mouth as I sleep? Nothing is healing because the cancer is still there and won’t let it heal. This upsets me because it means that there won’t be any healing before the radiation treatment starts, and the radiation itself will damage the good cells, preventing any healing also. The only win out of the radiation is that it should kill the cancer.
This afternoon I had an appointment with the chemotherapy oncologist to discuss the purpose of the chemotherapy and to answer any questions I might have. During this appointment I mentioned the bleeding I’ve been experiencing and he told me that I should be seeing the surgeon about it. He even went as far as to call the surgeon himself and set me up a same-day appointment.
The surgeon told me that there is some granular tissue growing around the opening in the roof of my mouth and that this is the source of the bleeding. I had taken video (Lynnanne told me not to post the video) of the blood that I’ve been spitting up so he would know just how bad it’s been. Unfortunately the video does not show the worst part since I did not think to get the camera when the bleeding started. Seeing this, he recommended that the area be cauterized and proceeded to do so. Hopefully tonight will be blood free and I’ll get a bit more sleep.
Tuesday is Bible study night and Jason was leading. Not many of the group showed up but there was a nice new couple there, Rob and Cathy. They will be a great addition to the group and I hope they continue to come. The main topic of the discussion was on forgiveness, but as usual many topics were discussed, and also as usual it was great to fellowship and to have discussions of how wonderful it is to have God in our lives.
I had been feeling a bit like “what is the point of continuing this life” and tonight’s discussion brought out that our life here as a human is so wonderful, that God gave his one and only son, Jesus, to become human and to suffer and die for our sins. This struck me as very profound and made me feel totally selfish for feeling that I might not want to continue this life. I’m not saying I’m suicidal or anything like that so please don’t get me wrong here; it was just another pity day.
These pity thoughts are not what God wants me to think about. These will not help me in the long run. It is the joys of the blessing in life that I have received; that is what God wants me to think about. It is the funny Facebook messages and emails that I receive; that is what God wants me to think about. It is my loving family; that is what God wants me to think about.
These are the things I will think about.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. – Philippians 4:8